Ramlings of a Ddrunk

I just turned 21 today. I haven't posted in a ong tome but today I wanfted to rant. The wword is still spinnin fr;o
om those shots.. but I still wanted to say something to the world: Thank you! i'm probably not the nicest person on the planet and maybe not the most outstanding either, but I received birthday wishes from people; family and friends.. from long ago to recently acquinted,,, I know I'm just one among billions on this pplanet but I felt somewhat special today because of those Bday wishes... i still have friends and familiy who care bout me. My family is stil alive and kicking... wishing me well... my friends held a small surprise party for me evven though it's a weekday.. Took care of me when they thought Ive had too much... Me, still alive and aiming for the future.. I realize how fortunate I am.. thus I am gratelful.. for everything that I've had and will appreciate all that I've been though and perhpas will fo through in the futur\

Happy 21st birthday me...

Gina

Introspection After Hitting the Snooze Button for My Brain too Long

I don't update my blog often. There seems to be some kind of pattern where I only do it after a semester or so lately. I don't usually write anything unless I'm deep in thought and right now, that's how I feel. Once I start writing, it becomes a painfully long essay for some reason, but anyways.....

Classes will start soon which means my second semester at the University of Minnesota will commence.

I knew my grades could drop once I transferred to a university and I was kinda seeing it coming after my performance the second half of the Fall semester, nevertheless, it hurts looking at my current GPA. It was quite a blow to my ego and confidence. I went through a whole phase where I was reconsidering this whole Mechanical Engineering thing: "Wait.... I really am stupid? I'm an idiot? Or just slow? Why am I even thinking of attempting to become an engineer... and a mechanical engineer no less? Does this even suit me? Can I really handle this? What am I trying to prove?" and so on and so forth. Needless to say, it was quite depressing. I went through another one of my 'hibernation syndrome' mode, as I usually call them. 

Not long after winter break started, I pretty much became a shut in. Almost everyone I know or am close with went home or went travelling during the break. Since I was on a tight budget and didn't really plan ahead, I didn't end up travelling either. There were a few people who were still in town but eventually I didn't really feel like going out or talking to people (online or in real life.. actually, I hardly ever go online on messenger or skype anyways). Spent most of my time in my snugly warm room all day in front of my laptop watching movies and reading manga online, not leaving except for bathroom breaks or for food when I was hungry. I think I was on the verge of becoming a hikikomori. Sometimes, too lazy to get out of bed. Didn't care about anything anymore. No motivation to do anything. Actually, my apathy was quite scary. I think I went numb a bit. Christmas and New Years just sort of went by without me doing anything. Nothing special, I didn't even feel like doing anything anyways.

I think I might even have an unhealthy manga addiction. I don't know if I'm an otaku or not, I might be. I don't really collect a bunch of anime or manga related items and they don't really interest me, neither does cosplaying and most activities that fall under the stereotype of an otaku. The thing I do when I'm alone is read a looooooooooot of manga nonstop for long unhealthy hours. I think I've almost read every possible type of manga out there. There are some with beautiful art and a really good storyline. On the other hand, there are also those with really generic art, no plot/predictable, doesn't make you think and subtly promotes ideals you might not agree on. I won't get into details because I might digress. Anyways, since I was pretty much numb I wasn't feeling really discriminate in choosing what I read, I just read whatever seemed slightly interesting. Bad idea. I'm usually somewhat critical when I read or watch something and I try to analyze a bit. However, when you're unmotivated, you're not quite as critical anymore. I just read whatever was available, eventually too lazy to do anything else as my mind became too lazy to think as well. I just read. Not really thinking about what I read, just being fed like a baby and absorbing whatever was in front of my eyes without the mind filter. It might have been akin to slow death of the mind. "I don't care what's going on in the world right now. Too lazy to plan anything. Not motivated to do something productive. Don't really feel like chatting with someone. I'll just continue reading" etc etc. 

At one point I just snapped out of it and it started to freak me out. What kinda human trash would I become if I continued down that road? I sort of forced myself to go out and just take walks or go shopping to change my pace a bit. Well, walking around slowly and sitting in public transport as you look out the window makes you appreciate the scenery and the town a bit more I guess. Minneapolis is actually quite pretty despite all the snow and cold weather. Once in a while, some random stranger approaches you or talks to you. Sometimes they're just asking for direction, or the time, or whether or not a bus has gone by, or they just happen to like your boots and felt like complimenting. Occasionally you start short conversations about quite the most random things. When you're unlucky, you might bump into people who just seem to want to pick a fight for no apparent reason but nevertheless, this slowly brings you back to reality after being a shut in for a while. Hey, there are about 6 billion people on planet earth aside from you! Who knew?

Since I didn't even attempt to cook any proper meals during hibernation mode, I eventually went out to eat. Eating out and tasting properly made food made me appreciate them even more than I usually do. Some motivation to cook returned as well. I started to think : Hmmm, today I'm craving for '.....'  or maybe I'll try to cook '....' tonight. I need to go buy this if I want to make that, etc etc. I actually started to do productive things. I cooked, did my laundry, my dishes, cleaned up my room of the trash from last semester and slowly returned into a functional human being. I'm starting to think more clearly and critically than I have been these past few weeks. I might have hit the snooze button for my brain too many times already. Now I'm somewhat prepared to face some of the questions I had for myself at the beginning of the break. The questions that lead me to the despair of this depressing cycle of apathy (oh the exaggeration....)

Why am I even in the Mechanical Engineering Department? My grades really did give a huge blow to my confidence since this is the lowest it has ever been. It's not like I failed any of my classes but considering my grades before this, barely passing is far from satisfying. Universities are much larger than colleges. You're suddenly a small fish in a big pond, no longer the big fish from the small pond you were from. You're surrounded by all these brilliant people who seem to know more than you do and understand things better than you do....you start wondering where you stand in all this. I might need to change my studying strategy or something. Perhaps there's some kind of secret out there I've yet to discover. Who knows.

It seems even today, there are still fewer women than men in Mechanical Engineering. The difference is still quite steep when compared to other majors. Being the feminist that I am, maybe I just wanted to also stubbornly prove that even women can excel in this stuff. That's quite a shallow reason to satisfy only ego.
There are brilliant MEs out there who happen to be women... however, maybe I'm not one of them? At first I wanted to major in Industrial Engineering anyways. I applied for ME at the U because it seemed like a good idea at that moment. I got accepted and decided to do this instead. The challenge seemed more interesting. 

Lots of people I know took ME because they have somewhat an idea with what they want to do in the future. Maybe work in the energy field or work in robotics or even build cars. ME is so flexible that I'm not even sure in what kind of field I want to apply the stuff I'm learning yet. Manufacturing and Industrial processes, still very tempting. Cars and robotics.. perhaps? The energy field seemed interesting but considering how I did in Thermodynamics, maybe not a good idea? The thing is, right now, I fall under the category of  "students who major in so-and-so because they think it's interesting but do not have a clear goal in mind quite yet". I think that's what I'm lacking at the moment. A clear goal. A certain type of career that interests me, that would make me feel passionate about.. something that would make me forget to eat and worth getting only a few hours of sleep for days. Well.. maybe not that extreme but you get the picture.

I took a mandatory intro to ME class in fall. Surprisingly, it was the one that left the biggest impression on me. Aside from introducing us on how to use a CAD software like Pro-E and other simple problems, we had to complete one major assignment, design and make a robot that does something 'interesting' from scratch using a budget of under $40 (+ the kit and tools lent to us). I had never used or programmed a microcontroller before that, nor did I ever use a breadboard before either. My knowledge of circuitry was basic, straight from Physics class. Growing up, I was never really a motor head or gadget freak or any of those people with hobbies that would have given me hands on experience with this kind of thing. I was never really exposed to much of it I guess. Nevertheless, I learned it in class and I managed to design and build a functioning robot (albeit with occasional glitches) all by myself. From knowing nothing to able to build something. That sense accomplishment was really priceless. I almost forgot about that feeling after I saw my overall GPA. I love designing things. I enjoy science. That's why I wanted to be an engineer. That's why I'll stick with ME. I might not know specifically what I want to do in life yet but I'm getting there.

Sadly, I'm technically a junior now, which means I'm graduating in about another year which means I need to find my goal fast. Time is Running Out (I think I can hear MUSE playing in the background). I haven't found all the answers to the questions I have for myself but since I've awaken from 'slumber', hopefully I'll get them sooner than later (unstopping time can be cruel). I pray with all my might that this following semester will be a good one since I'll be taking 18 credits. We'll see how this goes... fingers crossed.

Minneapolis... It's been Six Months or So

Seattle has rain throughout the year, the Twin Cities have long and cold winters but summer and fall are nice and mild.Seattle has Starbucks, here they have Caribou Coffee. Asian markets and restaurants aren't as easy to find here as it is in Seattle and thus food is one of the things I miss the most. I've been biking a lot through summer fall but you also see hardcore cyclists who bike all year round through rain and snow. The people are generally friendly and down to earth and my first semester has not been so bad. 

I went through my albums, and these are some of my favorite shots of the city thus far

Downtown Minneapolis can be seen clearly from the East Bank at the height of summer

Northtrop Auditorium at the center of the Mall witnesses the many festivals, performances and graduation ceremonies of University of Minnesota

Lake Calhoun a few hours before sunset during Fall is relaxing to walk around

The Mississippi River freezes over during winter

Hennepin Ave Bridge, one of many that hovers over the Mississippi River, is also one of the prettiest. 

Peeking through the railings of the bridge

In the middle of winter walking along Dinkytown feeling melancholic and capturing a wispy view of downtown

Despite winter being grey and cold, colors still do pop out every once in a while... Leaving a feeling that's a little bit brighter

Life is a Series of Never-ending Changes...

It feels like centuries have passed since I've updated my blog. Actually it has only been 7 months (which is quite long). There have been so many major changes in my life that I feel like I can't express it all in just one entry. For starters, I'm no longer in Seattle but Minneapolis, Minnesota and I'm officially a Mechanical Engineering student of University of Minnesota! Since I'm no longer in Seattle, I guess I should do some changes to my blog layout and background picture when I get a good skyline photo of downtown Minneapolis. After being stranded in the states for two years (stranded is a bit of an exaggeration)  I finally went home to Indonesia this summer break. I finished all of my paperwork during the summer and I've completed my transfer to the UofM. Having the chance to finally see my family and old friends was really wonderful.

It's almost stupidly obvious that changes happen all the time, even at home, but I can't help the fact that it still surprised me. My younger brother finally caught up and is taller than me. His voice wasn't the high pitched kiddish voice I knew for so long. It took a while to get used to the fact that he almost sounds like my Dad. Most of my young cousins aren't kids anymore. They're teenagers! Since I haven't changed much physically since high school (still short n curly), the flow of time doesn't seem as shocking as seeing a child suddenly becoming an adolescent. The years that have passed didn't really sink in until then. Time really did go by. Oh... but thankfully my parents still look somewhat the same (but my Dad finally dyed his hair black because he has too much white hair now).

My old friends from middle school and high school are also still somewhat the same. Different hairstyles or look but still essentially the same people I knew from back then. Most of them have been scattered in various places around the world and it was nice to see them all back in the tiny (but densely populated) town of Bandung. The best kind of friends you can have around are the kinds whom you can be brutally honest with and still have a fun time joking around or talking about the seemingly insignificant, stupid and comedic things in life. I'm truly grateful that I'm surrounded by these kind of people as friends. No matter how much our lifestyle will change, I think we'll always be able to connect as long as we have the same sense of humor. Tanpa basa basi.

Sadly, this summer was also a summer of departure. One of my friend from high school passed away from cancer not long after I arrived in Indonesia. I never got the chance to see him face to face since I left for America and by the time I finally came home, he was gone for good, permanently from this world. Because of this, at times it still feels a bit unreal. I remember him as the class clown, the funny guy who could cause your stomach to ache from laughter with the right punchline. With the combination of the right people or atmosphere, you're bound to have a fun time with him. He definitely had his inner demons, as we all do, and I knew he went through lots of changes and struggle over the years, but nevertheless, he was essentially still the same person, a really good guy, and a good friend. There were so many things I wanted to say to him and ask him but I didn't have the guts to do so when I found out he was sick. For that, I am truly ashamed of myself and I wish I could apologize for. Now I just regret never having those conversations with him or be more of a support for him during those hard times. I don't understand what I was afraid of because now all I can do is regret. I can never redo things that have passed and there's no point in continuing to regret.

He will be truly missed. These days, whenever we talk about him, we always remember the good old days because most of the time I've spent with him were fun. They were hilarious, stupid, sometimes awkward but memorable moments in my life. I'm thankful to him because he made part of my life more colorful. I was probably just a small part of his life but I hope I added some kind of color to his as well.

      Farewell dear friend and may you rest in peace....

I've made lots of new friends here in Minneapolis. I made quite a few really good friends in Seattle as well. I have good friends from Bandung too. I hope that these are the people whom I'd invite to my wedding someday in the future if I ever find that right person for me. We'd have a blast, have lots of good laughs, relive those stupid moments when we were younger and they'd embarrass me in front of my husband-to-be and the rest of my guest by exposing those stupid moments. Still brutally honest with each other. Now I just realize, good friends aren't just the ones you can be brutally honest with only during the good times but bad times as well. It should work both ways and nobody should only be at the giving or receiving end. I hope I'm not doing a bad job at staying in touch with them because friends and family are important in life. Life would be empty and lonely if you don't make those connections.

    Thank you to all of my friends and family for making my life more colorful.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

Okaaaaayyyy....

I'm not much of a fan of football (as in the NFL not soccer) but I went to watch the Blind Side on Saturday, the day before the super bowl. That's probably why the theater was more crowded than I thought it would be. It's been in theaters for quite a while and I wonder why I haven't gone to see it sooner because it's a really good movie. The fact that it's a true story made it really worth watching as well. I found myself almost in tears a few times during the movie because it was touching. Movies that are about family and such have a soft spot for me. 

However, what I wanted to talk about has nothing to do with the movie but more about the superbowls. The superbowls is famous for its commercials. Companies come up with their best advertisements during the superbowl season. I'm actually more interested in the commercials than the actual games because I don't understand football at all and I'm not much of a sports fan either. Anyways, they're usually very funny and entertaining so I went to check some out on youtube and for some reason, I felt slightly offended by most of the advertisements I found. I know football is a very 'masculine' sport and most of its fans are probably dudes (although I'm sure there are a lot of girls who like it as well. I know my Physics teacher is a fan) so the ads were mostly aimed at dudes but, really, it felt like I could smell the testosterone flowing out of my computer screen. It was all about men being tough and in control and women tended to be just sexy eye candy. I don't know if I'm over thinking things and I'll admit I'm a feminist but the problem was I was getting the same vibe not only from one or two ads but A LOT of them. Guys have their rights to have fantasies featuring hot female models, but so do girls. And I'm definitely not saying that girls aren't, ehm ... lewd as well (we can be if we want to be) but what I don't like is when that's the only way women are portrayed; sexy eye candy who are either stupid, don't have a will of their own or have less power than men. Pshh....Where did respect go? Maybe I'll go grab a playgirl magazine and start violating men in my fantasies as well.

Seriously? I'm sure not all guys out there are insecure or feel threatened when they see a strong female character. Otherwise, that's pretty pathetic. If you have issues with your ego don't put women down (in something so public such as advertisements where the focus should be the product NOT utilizing the fact that sex sells) just because you don't feel confident about yourself. It's firckin 2010! I hope we're not progressing backwards into an era when women have to fight for their rights again. In some places of the world, women still have to fight for their rights.

Speaking of rights, Women's Ski Jumping is still banned from the Olympics. When I read about this I felt like screaming: "Are you f***ing serious?" and I don't really swear that often. I didn't know much about ski jumping before I read the article but the fact that there are many women out there who work so hard at their sport and REALLY want to compete on the Olympic stage but can't because some bureaucratic old men  thinks it's too dangerous for women or it's not popular enough to be featured in the Olympics, really pissed me off. There are women out there who join the army and do dangerous things right next to guys and they think women can't handle ski jumping? If it's not popular enough then featuring it in the Olympics will make it more popular. I can't believe how weak their arguments were. This is obvious discrimination and a clear violation of human rights. I'm beginning to wonder what era I'm living in again. 

I guess all the women of the world could come together and protest against the many discrimination that they face but it won't make much difference unless guys out there are willing to step out of their comfort zone of power and help make the change too. Guys, if you're not just a bunch of cowards, be a man and do the right thing. Show RESPECT equally. 

"I" without edit

It's 2 AM, Saturday morning after Friday night. No, I wasn't out partying all night and getting drunk. No, I wasn't up studying and finishing my homework. No, I wasn't back into hibernation syndrome mode when I sit in front of my computer drooling and watching God-knows-what all day, being counterproductive and avoiding human contact. I'm just sitting here being depressed for some weird reason and realizing how much I edit my life. I'm careful when I speak to people. I think a million times before I say what I really think and if it's something better left unsaid, I don't say anything. I keep conversations on a surface level and I hardly ever talk about really personal stuff. I know quite a lot of people but there's only a handful of people I really know or seem to care about. I hate conflict so if it doesn't seem like I can really get along with someone, avoid them altogether. I can easily count the number of people I can truly feel comfortable with and laugh freely with and I take them for granted. It feels like a million years since the last time I've had a good day laughing about stupid things all day long and having no need to edit. This entry isn't a well thought or 'smart' philosophical insight about life like I want it to be. It's just an honest heartfelt confession about things that has been stuck in my throat for a while. 

I'd like to think I'm a good person. But I'm not. It's scary to think that I'm not. I'm apathetic, hopefully not completely, but slightly, about many things in life, especially if they don't directly affect me in any way. I'm still good at dealing with people to a certain level but my human relations ability on a personal level sucks big time because I've never bothered to care about people - REALLY care, and in vice versa, I guess, people don't bother to really know me, the real ugly side of me as well. I judge people when I say I try not to. After I judge , I don't try to get to know those people beyond those judgement. I feel like a hypocrite because all this time I thought I was open minded. Hahahahaha... how can I be open minded when I'm prejudiced? 

I was attempting to write my personal statement for my university application when I realized  a lot of the stuff I wrote felt like bullshit. Of course you want to make your self look good in your application, you want the friggin university to accept you. But it seems I do it a lot in real life as well. I like showing off. I don't do it in an  obvious way but subtly. I try to make myself seem like I'm humble when I'm actually not. I get a kick from feeling slightly superior from others through that subtlety and THAT is shallow, more shallow than those who openly brag. The more I think, the more I feel like there are many parts to my personality that feels warped. 

Looks like if mommy and daddy didn't raise me up well, I would have been one screwed up little bitch. I'm grateful, truly grateful and I feel blessed that I've been given many good opportunities in life. I haven't really appreciated that. My parents were very level headed. They're both still alive. They care about me. I was born into a well off family. I've been getting good education. I'm studying abroad! That ain't cheap and I often forget it ain't cheap. Some people can't even go to school, let alone eat properly. I've had the opportunity to endorse in the things I enjoy without worrying much. I've never been starving to death or had to fight to survive. I wonder what kind of deeds I did in my previous life to be born with this kind of good karma. I don't think I've ever intentionally try to hurt someone before out of pure hate. But I don't think I've been really nice either. What kind of karma have I been accumulating after I was born? I like talking about philosophy and I tend to see religion through a very critical point of view. I'm not very religious. It's important to be critical but I guess there are moments in life when you just want to believe in something without having to analyze every single detail. When was the last time I prayed? Truly really prayed? To whatever higher power out there. I want to say thank you. A genuine thank you for everything I've been blessed with. And for the first time in my life it seems like I want to pray for the happiness of the people around me. My family and friends that I've been taking for granted. I've never cared enough to pray for their happiness. I've probably put it off for to long. Everyone deserves to find happiness. 

I don't know what's going on with me tonight. Maybe just hormones or PMS messing with my brain in this moment of introspection. I'm really afraid of posting this. I've never exposed this much of myself on something so public like the internet.

However, I really do wish you find happiness. Whoever you are. 

2010... Go green?

Sooo.... it's the new year, 2010 and I only have 2 quarters left until I graduate from community college and move on to university. The excitement of anticipation is definitely there but I wasn't really excited when I saw my grades from last quarter. I resolved to work harder and become a better person this year. Contrary to my own resolve, the new year did not start with a bang of good deeds but a prank resulting from lack of proper judgment and bad influence (you people know who you are). Hanging out at a friend's messed up apartment playing cards and Truth or Dare on New Year's Eve might not have been the most ideal celebration. The impact of the change of year didn't really sink in. Instead the ridiculous things that were said and done left more of an impression and since we swore that anything said and done in that cramped room will never leave that room, I shall keep what happened only in my heart (unless one of my dear comrades decides to blabber).

Without realizing it, winter break was over and classes started. Physics, Linear Algebra, and Dynamics... this pattern of classes seem awfully familiar. Let's hope I don't screw up these classes like I screwed up Calculus and Mechanic Physics like last quarter. Something was mentioned in the first day of Linear Algebra that had absolutely nothing to do with math but still perked my interest. A classmate decided to attempt to throw an empty water bottle from the second row into a bin in front of the class. He succeeded and applaud from the class followed.

The teacher then comments : "That bin isn't for recyclables, right?". The class laughs.

The student then says:"It actually takes a lot more energy to recycle most waste instead of just disposing it," to justify his action.

Another student: "Oh... he's against the green movement"

More laughter from the class and the case ended at that. We moved on to math. I love my class.

But wait.... really? It actually takes more energy to recycle than dispose? I thought recycling is good.. I do it all the time especially since I came to Seattle because it's 'greener' than most US cities in general and recycling is mandated by law. I had to look into this. Apparently, scientists are still debating the answer to that question even now. An article in The New York Times back in 1996 by John Tiemey went quite into depth on this and the main ideas that really got me was:

• Incinerators makes more energy than recycling saves
• Modern landfills, if managed properly, are not harmful to the environment and parks are often built on top of them.
• "A. Clark Wiseman, an economist at Gonzaga University in Spokane, Washington, has calculated that if Americans keep generating garbage at current rates for 1,000 years, and if all their garbage is put in a landfill 100 yards (91 m) deep, by the year 3000 this national garbage heap will fill a square piece of land 35 miles (56 km) on each side. This doesn't seem a huge imposition in a country the size of America".
• Lightweight plastic packaging of food costs less than and requires less energy to manufacture compared to paper or cardboard packaging. They also prevent food from going bad quickly.
• Plastic takes much less space in landfills than paper and cardboard (and other recyclables that usually end up there as well). Despite being biodegradable, they tend to still be intact because of the airless environment of the landfills.

Overall, the article seemed a bit too heavily against recycling but it really widened my view a bit. I've always been pretty against landfills since my image of them has been horrible. A typical landfill in Indonesia is almost always poorly managed. They are not lined with clay and plastic, not equipped with drainage and gas collection-systems, not covered daily with soil nor are they regularly monitored for leaks. They're just huge wastelands where the people's garbage are dumped and left untouched to continue to pile and rot away or cause harm to the environment. The argument presented in the article would only be valid in developed countries like US that has the money and transparent system to carry out such projects (they wouldn't need to worry about MANY corrupt officials trying to make quick easy money and neglect doing their jobs).

I see how recycling seems kinda pointless when you look at it this way but nevertheless, we have limited resources here on planet earth. I mean, plastics are made from polymers which come from crude oil or natural gas and we all know that there isn't an infinite supply of crude oil here. Why continue to make waste out of limited resources when you can reuse what's already available (inn the form of trash)? I know I'm not providing a strong counter argument backed by a bunch of facts and quotes but it doesn't sit well with me how we're wasting our resources. (I tend to reuse lots of stuff, I'm a student on a slightly tight budget afterall). Interestingly enough, I found a webpage by Utah State University that listed a bunch of facts that basically contradicts a lot of what was said in the article. I'm not sure where they got their numbers but a university must have some valid sources, right?

I'm gonna sleep on this. It's giving me a bit of a headache and I'm still not sure what my opinion is.

I wanna say : "GO GREEN!" but which way is green??

Citations and sources:

http://www.usu.edu/recycle/factsFigures.htm

http://www.nytimes.com/1996/06/30/magazine/recycling-is-garbage.html?pagewanted=1