Classes will start soon which means my second semester at the University of Minnesota will commence.
I knew my grades could drop once I transferred to a university and I was kinda seeing it coming after my performance the second half of the Fall semester, nevertheless, it hurts looking at my current GPA. It was quite a blow to my ego and confidence. I went through a whole phase where I was reconsidering this whole Mechanical Engineering thing: "Wait.... I really am stupid? I'm an idiot? Or just slow? Why am I even thinking of attempting to become an engineer... and a mechanical engineer no less? Does this even suit me? Can I really handle this? What am I trying to prove?" and so on and so forth. Needless to say, it was quite depressing. I went through another one of my 'hibernation syndrome' mode, as I usually call them.
Not long after winter break started, I pretty much became a shut in. Almost everyone I know or am close with went home or went travelling during the break. Since I was on a tight budget and didn't really plan ahead, I didn't end up travelling either. There were a few people who were still in town but eventually I didn't really feel like going out or talking to people (online or in real life.. actually, I hardly ever go online on messenger or skype anyways). Spent most of my time in my snugly warm room all day in front of my laptop watching movies and reading manga online, not leaving except for bathroom breaks or for food when I was hungry. I think I was on the verge of becoming a hikikomori. Sometimes, too lazy to get out of bed. Didn't care about anything anymore. No motivation to do anything. Actually, my apathy was quite scary. I think I went numb a bit. Christmas and New Years just sort of went by without me doing anything. Nothing special, I didn't even feel like doing anything anyways.
I think I might even have an unhealthy manga addiction. I don't know if I'm an otaku or not, I might be. I don't really collect a bunch of anime or manga related items and they don't really interest me, neither does cosplaying and most activities that fall under the stereotype of an otaku. The thing I do when I'm alone is read a looooooooooot of manga nonstop for long unhealthy hours. I think I've almost read every possible type of manga out there. There are some with beautiful art and a really good storyline. On the other hand, there are also those with really generic art, no plot/predictable, doesn't make you think and subtly promotes ideals you might not agree on. I won't get into details because I might digress. Anyways, since I was pretty much numb I wasn't feeling really discriminate in choosing what I read, I just read whatever seemed slightly interesting. Bad idea. I'm usually somewhat critical when I read or watch something and I try to analyze a bit. However, when you're unmotivated, you're not quite as critical anymore. I just read whatever was available, eventually too lazy to do anything else as my mind became too lazy to think as well. I just read. Not really thinking about what I read, just being fed like a baby and absorbing whatever was in front of my eyes without the mind filter. It might have been akin to slow death of the mind. "I don't care what's going on in the world right now. Too lazy to plan anything. Not motivated to do something productive. Don't really feel like chatting with someone. I'll just continue reading" etc etc.
At one point I just snapped out of it and it started to freak me out. What kinda human trash would I become if I continued down that road? I sort of forced myself to go out and just take walks or go shopping to change my pace a bit. Well, walking around slowly and sitting in public transport as you look out the window makes you appreciate the scenery and the town a bit more I guess. Minneapolis is actually quite pretty despite all the snow and cold weather. Once in a while, some random stranger approaches you or talks to you. Sometimes they're just asking for direction, or the time, or whether or not a bus has gone by, or they just happen to like your boots and felt like complimenting. Occasionally you start short conversations about quite the most random things. When you're unlucky, you might bump into people who just seem to want to pick a fight for no apparent reason but nevertheless, this slowly brings you back to reality after being a shut in for a while. Hey, there are about 6 billion people on planet earth aside from you! Who knew?
Since I didn't even attempt to cook any proper meals during hibernation mode, I eventually went out to eat. Eating out and tasting properly made food made me appreciate them even more than I usually do. Some motivation to cook returned as well. I started to think : Hmmm, today I'm craving for '.....' or maybe I'll try to cook '....' tonight. I need to go buy this if I want to make that, etc etc. I actually started to do productive things. I cooked, did my laundry, my dishes, cleaned up my room of the trash from last semester and slowly returned into a functional human being. I'm starting to think more clearly and critically than I have been these past few weeks. I might have hit the snooze button for my brain too many times already. Now I'm somewhat prepared to face some of the questions I had for myself at the beginning of the break. The questions that lead me to the despair of this depressing cycle of apathy (oh the exaggeration....)
Why am I even in the Mechanical Engineering Department? My grades really did give a huge blow to my confidence since this is the lowest it has ever been. It's not like I failed any of my classes but considering my grades before this, barely passing is far from satisfying. Universities are much larger than colleges. You're suddenly a small fish in a big pond, no longer the big fish from the small pond you were from. You're surrounded by all these brilliant people who seem to know more than you do and understand things better than you do....you start wondering where you stand in all this. I might need to change my studying strategy or something. Perhaps there's some kind of secret out there I've yet to discover. Who knows.
It seems even today, there are still fewer women than men in Mechanical Engineering. The difference is still quite steep when compared to other majors. Being the feminist that I am, maybe I just wanted to also stubbornly prove that even women can excel in this stuff. That's quite a shallow reason to satisfy only ego.
There are brilliant MEs out there who happen to be women... however, maybe I'm not one of them? At first I wanted to major in Industrial Engineering anyways. I applied for ME at the U because it seemed like a good idea at that moment. I got accepted and decided to do this instead. The challenge seemed more interesting.
It seems even today, there are still fewer women than men in Mechanical Engineering. The difference is still quite steep when compared to other majors. Being the feminist that I am, maybe I just wanted to also stubbornly prove that even women can excel in this stuff. That's quite a shallow reason to satisfy only ego.
There are brilliant MEs out there who happen to be women... however, maybe I'm not one of them? At first I wanted to major in Industrial Engineering anyways. I applied for ME at the U because it seemed like a good idea at that moment. I got accepted and decided to do this instead. The challenge seemed more interesting.
Lots of people I know took ME because they have somewhat an idea with what they want to do in the future. Maybe work in the energy field or work in robotics or even build cars. ME is so flexible that I'm not even sure in what kind of field I want to apply the stuff I'm learning yet. Manufacturing and Industrial processes, still very tempting. Cars and robotics.. perhaps? The energy field seemed interesting but considering how I did in Thermodynamics, maybe not a good idea? The thing is, right now, I fall under the category of "students who major in so-and-so because they think it's interesting but do not have a clear goal in mind quite yet". I think that's what I'm lacking at the moment. A clear goal. A certain type of career that interests me, that would make me feel passionate about.. something that would make me forget to eat and worth getting only a few hours of sleep for days. Well.. maybe not that extreme but you get the picture.
I took a mandatory intro to ME class in fall. Surprisingly, it was the one that left the biggest impression on me. Aside from introducing us on how to use a CAD software like Pro-E and other simple problems, we had to complete one major assignment, design and make a robot that does something 'interesting' from scratch using a budget of under $40 (+ the kit and tools lent to us). I had never used or programmed a microcontroller before that, nor did I ever use a breadboard before either. My knowledge of circuitry was basic, straight from Physics class. Growing up, I was never really a motor head or gadget freak or any of those people with hobbies that would have given me hands on experience with this kind of thing. I was never really exposed to much of it I guess. Nevertheless, I learned it in class and I managed to design and build a functioning robot (albeit with occasional glitches) all by myself. From knowing nothing to able to build something. That sense accomplishment was really priceless. I almost forgot about that feeling after I saw my overall GPA. I love designing things. I enjoy science. That's why I wanted to be an engineer. That's why I'll stick with ME. I might not know specifically what I want to do in life yet but I'm getting there.
Sadly, I'm technically a junior now, which means I'm graduating in about another year which means I need to find my goal fast. Time is Running Out (I think I can hear MUSE playing in the background). I haven't found all the answers to the questions I have for myself but since I've awaken from 'slumber', hopefully I'll get them sooner than later (unstopping time can be cruel). I pray with all my might that this following semester will be a good one since I'll be taking 18 credits. We'll see how this goes... fingers crossed.
I took a mandatory intro to ME class in fall. Surprisingly, it was the one that left the biggest impression on me. Aside from introducing us on how to use a CAD software like Pro-E and other simple problems, we had to complete one major assignment, design and make a robot that does something 'interesting' from scratch using a budget of under $40 (+ the kit and tools lent to us). I had never used or programmed a microcontroller before that, nor did I ever use a breadboard before either. My knowledge of circuitry was basic, straight from Physics class. Growing up, I was never really a motor head or gadget freak or any of those people with hobbies that would have given me hands on experience with this kind of thing. I was never really exposed to much of it I guess. Nevertheless, I learned it in class and I managed to design and build a functioning robot (albeit with occasional glitches) all by myself. From knowing nothing to able to build something. That sense accomplishment was really priceless. I almost forgot about that feeling after I saw my overall GPA. I love designing things. I enjoy science. That's why I wanted to be an engineer. That's why I'll stick with ME. I might not know specifically what I want to do in life yet but I'm getting there.
Sadly, I'm technically a junior now, which means I'm graduating in about another year which means I need to find my goal fast. Time is Running Out (I think I can hear MUSE playing in the background). I haven't found all the answers to the questions I have for myself but since I've awaken from 'slumber', hopefully I'll get them sooner than later (unstopping time can be cruel). I pray with all my might that this following semester will be a good one since I'll be taking 18 credits. We'll see how this goes... fingers crossed.
