Life is a Series of Never-ending Changes...

It feels like centuries have passed since I've updated my blog. Actually it has only been 7 months (which is quite long). There have been so many major changes in my life that I feel like I can't express it all in just one entry. For starters, I'm no longer in Seattle but Minneapolis, Minnesota and I'm officially a Mechanical Engineering student of University of Minnesota! Since I'm no longer in Seattle, I guess I should do some changes to my blog layout and background picture when I get a good skyline photo of downtown Minneapolis. After being stranded in the states for two years (stranded is a bit of an exaggeration)  I finally went home to Indonesia this summer break. I finished all of my paperwork during the summer and I've completed my transfer to the UofM. Having the chance to finally see my family and old friends was really wonderful.

It's almost stupidly obvious that changes happen all the time, even at home, but I can't help the fact that it still surprised me. My younger brother finally caught up and is taller than me. His voice wasn't the high pitched kiddish voice I knew for so long. It took a while to get used to the fact that he almost sounds like my Dad. Most of my young cousins aren't kids anymore. They're teenagers! Since I haven't changed much physically since high school (still short n curly), the flow of time doesn't seem as shocking as seeing a child suddenly becoming an adolescent. The years that have passed didn't really sink in until then. Time really did go by. Oh... but thankfully my parents still look somewhat the same (but my Dad finally dyed his hair black because he has too much white hair now).

My old friends from middle school and high school are also still somewhat the same. Different hairstyles or look but still essentially the same people I knew from back then. Most of them have been scattered in various places around the world and it was nice to see them all back in the tiny (but densely populated) town of Bandung. The best kind of friends you can have around are the kinds whom you can be brutally honest with and still have a fun time joking around or talking about the seemingly insignificant, stupid and comedic things in life. I'm truly grateful that I'm surrounded by these kind of people as friends. No matter how much our lifestyle will change, I think we'll always be able to connect as long as we have the same sense of humor. Tanpa basa basi.

Sadly, this summer was also a summer of departure. One of my friend from high school passed away from cancer not long after I arrived in Indonesia. I never got the chance to see him face to face since I left for America and by the time I finally came home, he was gone for good, permanently from this world. Because of this, at times it still feels a bit unreal. I remember him as the class clown, the funny guy who could cause your stomach to ache from laughter with the right punchline. With the combination of the right people or atmosphere, you're bound to have a fun time with him. He definitely had his inner demons, as we all do, and I knew he went through lots of changes and struggle over the years, but nevertheless, he was essentially still the same person, a really good guy, and a good friend. There were so many things I wanted to say to him and ask him but I didn't have the guts to do so when I found out he was sick. For that, I am truly ashamed of myself and I wish I could apologize for. Now I just regret never having those conversations with him or be more of a support for him during those hard times. I don't understand what I was afraid of because now all I can do is regret. I can never redo things that have passed and there's no point in continuing to regret.

He will be truly missed. These days, whenever we talk about him, we always remember the good old days because most of the time I've spent with him were fun. They were hilarious, stupid, sometimes awkward but memorable moments in my life. I'm thankful to him because he made part of my life more colorful. I was probably just a small part of his life but I hope I added some kind of color to his as well.

      Farewell dear friend and may you rest in peace....

I've made lots of new friends here in Minneapolis. I made quite a few really good friends in Seattle as well. I have good friends from Bandung too. I hope that these are the people whom I'd invite to my wedding someday in the future if I ever find that right person for me. We'd have a blast, have lots of good laughs, relive those stupid moments when we were younger and they'd embarrass me in front of my husband-to-be and the rest of my guest by exposing those stupid moments. Still brutally honest with each other. Now I just realize, good friends aren't just the ones you can be brutally honest with only during the good times but bad times as well. It should work both ways and nobody should only be at the giving or receiving end. I hope I'm not doing a bad job at staying in touch with them because friends and family are important in life. Life would be empty and lonely if you don't make those connections.

    Thank you to all of my friends and family for making my life more colorful.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

Okaaaaayyyy....

I'm not much of a fan of football (as in the NFL not soccer) but I went to watch the Blind Side on Saturday, the day before the super bowl. That's probably why the theater was more crowded than I thought it would be. It's been in theaters for quite a while and I wonder why I haven't gone to see it sooner because it's a really good movie. The fact that it's a true story made it really worth watching as well. I found myself almost in tears a few times during the movie because it was touching. Movies that are about family and such have a soft spot for me. 

However, what I wanted to talk about has nothing to do with the movie but more about the superbowls. The superbowls is famous for its commercials. Companies come up with their best advertisements during the superbowl season. I'm actually more interested in the commercials than the actual games because I don't understand football at all and I'm not much of a sports fan either. Anyways, they're usually very funny and entertaining so I went to check some out on youtube and for some reason, I felt slightly offended by most of the advertisements I found. I know football is a very 'masculine' sport and most of its fans are probably dudes (although I'm sure there are a lot of girls who like it as well. I know my Physics teacher is a fan) so the ads were mostly aimed at dudes but, really, it felt like I could smell the testosterone flowing out of my computer screen. It was all about men being tough and in control and women tended to be just sexy eye candy. I don't know if I'm over thinking things and I'll admit I'm a feminist but the problem was I was getting the same vibe not only from one or two ads but A LOT of them. Guys have their rights to have fantasies featuring hot female models, but so do girls. And I'm definitely not saying that girls aren't, ehm ... lewd as well (we can be if we want to be) but what I don't like is when that's the only way women are portrayed; sexy eye candy who are either stupid, don't have a will of their own or have less power than men. Pshh....Where did respect go? Maybe I'll go grab a playgirl magazine and start violating men in my fantasies as well.

Seriously? I'm sure not all guys out there are insecure or feel threatened when they see a strong female character. Otherwise, that's pretty pathetic. If you have issues with your ego don't put women down (in something so public such as advertisements where the focus should be the product NOT utilizing the fact that sex sells) just because you don't feel confident about yourself. It's firckin 2010! I hope we're not progressing backwards into an era when women have to fight for their rights again. In some places of the world, women still have to fight for their rights.

Speaking of rights, Women's Ski Jumping is still banned from the Olympics. When I read about this I felt like screaming: "Are you f***ing serious?" and I don't really swear that often. I didn't know much about ski jumping before I read the article but the fact that there are many women out there who work so hard at their sport and REALLY want to compete on the Olympic stage but can't because some bureaucratic old men  thinks it's too dangerous for women or it's not popular enough to be featured in the Olympics, really pissed me off. There are women out there who join the army and do dangerous things right next to guys and they think women can't handle ski jumping? If it's not popular enough then featuring it in the Olympics will make it more popular. I can't believe how weak their arguments were. This is obvious discrimination and a clear violation of human rights. I'm beginning to wonder what era I'm living in again. 

I guess all the women of the world could come together and protest against the many discrimination that they face but it won't make much difference unless guys out there are willing to step out of their comfort zone of power and help make the change too. Guys, if you're not just a bunch of cowards, be a man and do the right thing. Show RESPECT equally. 

"I" without edit

It's 2 AM, Saturday morning after Friday night. No, I wasn't out partying all night and getting drunk. No, I wasn't up studying and finishing my homework. No, I wasn't back into hibernation syndrome mode when I sit in front of my computer drooling and watching God-knows-what all day, being counterproductive and avoiding human contact. I'm just sitting here being depressed for some weird reason and realizing how much I edit my life. I'm careful when I speak to people. I think a million times before I say what I really think and if it's something better left unsaid, I don't say anything. I keep conversations on a surface level and I hardly ever talk about really personal stuff. I know quite a lot of people but there's only a handful of people I really know or seem to care about. I hate conflict so if it doesn't seem like I can really get along with someone, avoid them altogether. I can easily count the number of people I can truly feel comfortable with and laugh freely with and I take them for granted. It feels like a million years since the last time I've had a good day laughing about stupid things all day long and having no need to edit. This entry isn't a well thought or 'smart' philosophical insight about life like I want it to be. It's just an honest heartfelt confession about things that has been stuck in my throat for a while. 

I'd like to think I'm a good person. But I'm not. It's scary to think that I'm not. I'm apathetic, hopefully not completely, but slightly, about many things in life, especially if they don't directly affect me in any way. I'm still good at dealing with people to a certain level but my human relations ability on a personal level sucks big time because I've never bothered to care about people - REALLY care, and in vice versa, I guess, people don't bother to really know me, the real ugly side of me as well. I judge people when I say I try not to. After I judge , I don't try to get to know those people beyond those judgement. I feel like a hypocrite because all this time I thought I was open minded. Hahahahaha... how can I be open minded when I'm prejudiced? 

I was attempting to write my personal statement for my university application when I realized  a lot of the stuff I wrote felt like bullshit. Of course you want to make your self look good in your application, you want the friggin university to accept you. But it seems I do it a lot in real life as well. I like showing off. I don't do it in an  obvious way but subtly. I try to make myself seem like I'm humble when I'm actually not. I get a kick from feeling slightly superior from others through that subtlety and THAT is shallow, more shallow than those who openly brag. The more I think, the more I feel like there are many parts to my personality that feels warped. 

Looks like if mommy and daddy didn't raise me up well, I would have been one screwed up little bitch. I'm grateful, truly grateful and I feel blessed that I've been given many good opportunities in life. I haven't really appreciated that. My parents were very level headed. They're both still alive. They care about me. I was born into a well off family. I've been getting good education. I'm studying abroad! That ain't cheap and I often forget it ain't cheap. Some people can't even go to school, let alone eat properly. I've had the opportunity to endorse in the things I enjoy without worrying much. I've never been starving to death or had to fight to survive. I wonder what kind of deeds I did in my previous life to be born with this kind of good karma. I don't think I've ever intentionally try to hurt someone before out of pure hate. But I don't think I've been really nice either. What kind of karma have I been accumulating after I was born? I like talking about philosophy and I tend to see religion through a very critical point of view. I'm not very religious. It's important to be critical but I guess there are moments in life when you just want to believe in something without having to analyze every single detail. When was the last time I prayed? Truly really prayed? To whatever higher power out there. I want to say thank you. A genuine thank you for everything I've been blessed with. And for the first time in my life it seems like I want to pray for the happiness of the people around me. My family and friends that I've been taking for granted. I've never cared enough to pray for their happiness. I've probably put it off for to long. Everyone deserves to find happiness. 

I don't know what's going on with me tonight. Maybe just hormones or PMS messing with my brain in this moment of introspection. I'm really afraid of posting this. I've never exposed this much of myself on something so public like the internet.

However, I really do wish you find happiness. Whoever you are. 

2010... Go green?

Sooo.... it's the new year, 2010 and I only have 2 quarters left until I graduate from community college and move on to university. The excitement of anticipation is definitely there but I wasn't really excited when I saw my grades from last quarter. I resolved to work harder and become a better person this year. Contrary to my own resolve, the new year did not start with a bang of good deeds but a prank resulting from lack of proper judgment and bad influence (you people know who you are). Hanging out at a friend's messed up apartment playing cards and Truth or Dare on New Year's Eve might not have been the most ideal celebration. The impact of the change of year didn't really sink in. Instead the ridiculous things that were said and done left more of an impression and since we swore that anything said and done in that cramped room will never leave that room, I shall keep what happened only in my heart (unless one of my dear comrades decides to blabber).

Without realizing it, winter break was over and classes started. Physics, Linear Algebra, and Dynamics... this pattern of classes seem awfully familiar. Let's hope I don't screw up these classes like I screwed up Calculus and Mechanic Physics like last quarter. Something was mentioned in the first day of Linear Algebra that had absolutely nothing to do with math but still perked my interest. A classmate decided to attempt to throw an empty water bottle from the second row into a bin in front of the class. He succeeded and applaud from the class followed.

The teacher then comments : "That bin isn't for recyclables, right?". The class laughs.

The student then says:"It actually takes a lot more energy to recycle most waste instead of just disposing it," to justify his action.

Another student: "Oh... he's against the green movement"

More laughter from the class and the case ended at that. We moved on to math. I love my class.

But wait.... really? It actually takes more energy to recycle than dispose? I thought recycling is good.. I do it all the time especially since I came to Seattle because it's 'greener' than most US cities in general and recycling is mandated by law. I had to look into this. Apparently, scientists are still debating the answer to that question even now. An article in The New York Times back in 1996 by John Tiemey went quite into depth on this and the main ideas that really got me was:

• Incinerators makes more energy than recycling saves
• Modern landfills, if managed properly, are not harmful to the environment and parks are often built on top of them.
• "A. Clark Wiseman, an economist at Gonzaga University in Spokane, Washington, has calculated that if Americans keep generating garbage at current rates for 1,000 years, and if all their garbage is put in a landfill 100 yards (91 m) deep, by the year 3000 this national garbage heap will fill a square piece of land 35 miles (56 km) on each side. This doesn't seem a huge imposition in a country the size of America".
• Lightweight plastic packaging of food costs less than and requires less energy to manufacture compared to paper or cardboard packaging. They also prevent food from going bad quickly.
• Plastic takes much less space in landfills than paper and cardboard (and other recyclables that usually end up there as well). Despite being biodegradable, they tend to still be intact because of the airless environment of the landfills.

Overall, the article seemed a bit too heavily against recycling but it really widened my view a bit. I've always been pretty against landfills since my image of them has been horrible. A typical landfill in Indonesia is almost always poorly managed. They are not lined with clay and plastic, not equipped with drainage and gas collection-systems, not covered daily with soil nor are they regularly monitored for leaks. They're just huge wastelands where the people's garbage are dumped and left untouched to continue to pile and rot away or cause harm to the environment. The argument presented in the article would only be valid in developed countries like US that has the money and transparent system to carry out such projects (they wouldn't need to worry about MANY corrupt officials trying to make quick easy money and neglect doing their jobs).

I see how recycling seems kinda pointless when you look at it this way but nevertheless, we have limited resources here on planet earth. I mean, plastics are made from polymers which come from crude oil or natural gas and we all know that there isn't an infinite supply of crude oil here. Why continue to make waste out of limited resources when you can reuse what's already available (inn the form of trash)? I know I'm not providing a strong counter argument backed by a bunch of facts and quotes but it doesn't sit well with me how we're wasting our resources. (I tend to reuse lots of stuff, I'm a student on a slightly tight budget afterall). Interestingly enough, I found a webpage by Utah State University that listed a bunch of facts that basically contradicts a lot of what was said in the article. I'm not sure where they got their numbers but a university must have some valid sources, right?

I'm gonna sleep on this. It's giving me a bit of a headache and I'm still not sure what my opinion is.

I wanna say : "GO GREEN!" but which way is green??

Citations and sources:

http://www.usu.edu/recycle/factsFigures.htm

http://www.nytimes.com/1996/06/30/magazine/recycling-is-garbage.html?pagewanted=1