It's 2 AM, Saturday morning after Friday night. No, I wasn't out partying all night and getting drunk. No, I wasn't up studying and finishing my homework. No, I wasn't back into hibernation syndrome mode when I sit in front of my computer drooling and watching God-knows-what all day, being counterproductive and avoiding human contact. I'm just sitting here being depressed for some weird reason and realizing how much I edit my life. I'm careful when I speak to people. I think a million times before I say what I really think and if it's something better left unsaid, I don't say anything. I keep conversations on a surface level and I hardly ever talk about really personal stuff. I know quite a lot of people but there's only a handful of people I really know or seem to care about. I hate conflict so if it doesn't seem like I can really get along with someone, avoid them altogether. I can easily count the number of people I can truly feel comfortable with and laugh freely with and I take them for granted. It feels like a million years since the last time I've had a good day laughing about stupid things all day long and having no need to edit. This entry isn't a well thought or 'smart' philosophical insight about life like I want it to be. It's just an honest heartfelt confession about things that has been stuck in my throat for a while.
I'd like to think I'm a good person. But I'm not. It's scary to think that I'm not. I'm apathetic, hopefully not completely, but slightly, about many things in life, especially if they don't directly affect me in any way. I'm still good at dealing with people to a certain level but my human relations ability on a personal level sucks big time because I've never bothered to care about people - REALLY care, and in vice versa, I guess, people don't bother to really know me, the real ugly side of me as well. I judge people when I say I try not to. After I judge , I don't try to get to know those people beyond those judgement. I feel like a hypocrite because all this time I thought I was open minded. Hahahahaha... how can I be open minded when I'm prejudiced?
I was attempting to write my personal statement for my university application when I realized a lot of the stuff I wrote felt like bullshit. Of course you want to make your self look good in your application, you want the friggin university to accept you. But it seems I do it a lot in real life as well. I like showing off. I don't do it in an obvious way but subtly. I try to make myself seem like I'm humble when I'm actually not. I get a kick from feeling slightly superior from others through that subtlety and THAT is shallow, more shallow than those who openly brag. The more I think, the more I feel like there are many parts to my personality that feels warped.
Looks like if mommy and daddy didn't raise me up well, I would have been one screwed up little bitch. I'm grateful, truly grateful and I feel blessed that I've been given many good opportunities in life. I haven't really appreciated that. My parents were very level headed. They're both still alive. They care about me. I was born into a well off family. I've been getting good education. I'm studying abroad! That ain't cheap and I often forget it ain't cheap. Some people can't even go to school, let alone eat properly. I've had the opportunity to endorse in the things I enjoy without worrying much. I've never been starving to death or had to fight to survive. I wonder what kind of deeds I did in my previous life to be born with this kind of good karma. I don't think I've ever intentionally try to hurt someone before out of pure hate. But I don't think I've been really nice either. What kind of karma have I been accumulating after I was born? I like talking about philosophy and I tend to see religion through a very critical point of view. I'm not very religious. It's important to be critical but I guess there are moments in life when you just want to believe in something without having to analyze every single detail. When was the last time I prayed? Truly really prayed? To whatever higher power out there. I want to say thank you. A genuine thank you for everything I've been blessed with. And for the first time in my life it seems like I want to pray for the happiness of the people around me. My family and friends that I've been taking for granted. I've never cared enough to pray for their happiness. I've probably put it off for to long. Everyone deserves to find happiness.
I don't know what's going on with me tonight. Maybe just hormones or PMS messing with my brain in this moment of introspection. I'm really afraid of posting this. I've never exposed this much of myself on something so public like the internet.
However, I really do wish you find happiness. Whoever you are.
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